


Asta Makes An Announcement

by Hedgehog513



Category: Black Clover - Tabata Yuki (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Crack, Parody, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, This Is STUPID, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, but friggin funny (to me)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:35:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27270547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hedgehog513/pseuds/Hedgehog513
Summary: Intentionally made as a crack parody fic. This is my first [attempted] ao3 post that's not a headcanon, so please read towards the end.
Relationships: Asta & Dante Zogratis, Asta & Everyone
Kudos: 17





	Asta Makes An Announcement

**Author's Note:**

> Spoiler Warning: Takes place after the Clover Kingdom vs. Eye of the Midnight Sun Arc. Read at your own risk.
> 
> This may not be suitable for some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised.

A typical and peaceful afternoon would befall on a large and prominent kingdom known as the Clover Kingdom, if it wasn't always in shambles like it is now. Ruled by the Wizard King Julius Novachrono (who is liked by all because of his loving and driven nature), and the Clover King Augustus Kira Clover XIII (who isn't very much liked because of his laziness and self-centered attitude), Clover has endured a great ordeal that has left a mark that was caused by the elves and their misled vengeance towards who was responsible for the massacre all those centuries ago. Thanks to the efforts of the magic knights defeating the devil (the true culprit), the elves that were possessing the people --civilian and magic knight alike-- were able to rest in peace.

However, a new threat has revealed itself in the form of three powerful mages hailing from the Spade Kingdom known as the Dark Triad. Princess Lolopechka had warned Asta, Noelle, Finral, Mimosa, and Nero and the Clover Knights had trained for half a year. But even that wasn't enough as the Black Bulls Captain Yami Sukehiro and William Vangeance of the Golden Dawn were captured by Zenon as well as the Heart Kingdom Princess meeting the same fate by Vanica. 

Later as everyone continues to lick their wounds, a magic cloud forms in the sky and reveals Asta, the spiky ash-blond haired boy and the only person without magic.

"I've come to make an announcement: Dante Zogratis is a bitch ass motherfucker!" spoke the anti-magic wielder with surprising venom in his tone. "He tried to make Vanessa and Grey his fucking bitches and impaled Gauche!

That's right, he flaunted his devil fucking possessed dick out and tried to piss on my fucking squad mates! And he said his dick was 'this big'," ranted Asta some more as he holds out his hands and spreads them out to emphasize what he meant. "and I said 'that's disgusting'! So I'm making a call out post on the newspapers: Dante Zogratis, you got a small dick! It's the size of a button, except way smaller," he yells as he holds up a newspaper. "but guess what, here's what my dong looks like!"

Asta then exposes his manhood that oddly looks very, very similar to his recently gigantically expanded Demon Slayer Sword; which causes a huge reaction of adults covering children's eyes, a certain plant mage getting a slight nosebleed (as well as a certain water mage from a royal family), etc.

"That's right baby!" stated the anti-sword wielder, much to everyone's embarrassment, confusion, dismay, or somewhere in between. "All blades, no drugs, no enhancements, look at that, it looks like buffed up muscle!"

"He fucked up my friends so guess what, I'm gonna fuck the Spade Castle!" He declares as he stood on top of Hage Village's landmark: The demon skull. "That's right, this is what you get: MY ANTI-MAGIC PISS!!!" He then exudes black urine from his dong which travels through the sky and heading towards the Spade Kingdom's castle.

"Except I'm not gonna piss on their castle, I'm gonna push past my limits! I'm pissing on HELLLL!!!" And true to his word, his piss [somehow] managed to shoot past the Spade Castle and through a portal--one that isn't Finral's for obvious reasons--to Hell; thus creating a giant fissure on Hell's ground.

"How do you like that, Augustus!? I pissed on Hell, you IDIOT!!"

Normally anyone would've been appalled at how a commoner insulted a king, this however was not the case, as Jack The Ripper was busting a gut laughing along with Dorothy and Mereoleona while Nozel, Fuegoleon, Charlotte, and Kaiser are struggling (and failing) to contain their laughter. Not surprising considering of how the Clover King supported Asta's execution six months ago.

"Message to the Dark Triad: You have 23 hours before the piss DROPLETS hit your fucking castle, now you better give back Captain Yami and Captain Vangeance before I piss on you too!"

And with that the communication spell fades away, leaving the entirety of the Clover, Heart, and even Spade Kingdom with mixed reactions towards what had just transpired. All while the remaining Magic Knight Captains are still trying (and failing) to stop their laughter.

**Author's Note:**

> As you have seen, this was inspired off the "Eggman pisses on the moon"; a Sonic Adventure 2 fandub made by SnapCube. Be sure to give their Youtube Channel some love and support.
> 
> If you enjoyed this [attempted] crack fic, leave a kudos. Or don't and just go about your business. If not, that's fine; all I ask is that you keep your words professional and to a minimum. And I'm sorry if I offended anyone along the way.
> 
> The reason why the writing skills aren't top notch as a regular fanfic writing that has character POV's and all that is because I do a lot more reading than writing. So there's that.


End file.
